They Say You Only Teach What You Most Need to Learn

They say you only teach what you most need to learn. This irony feels right to me. I’m spending my working days teaching people how to have healthy arguments, and there’s nothing I need to learn more. Especially online. I recently had an altercation that led to cursing and blocking, and I’m trying to draw out the lessons.

Here is the background: Recently a Palestinian friend got arrested for selling controversial books that supposedly “endangered public order.” I was shocked by such police over-reach and posted accordingly on my facebook page. Relatively quickly, someone (let’s call him “The Troll”) commented how troubling it was that people were getting worked up about this event but had showed no such concern for victims of the Hamas attack of October 7^th. It was a surprising post. It wasn’t aimed specifically at me, but it was still aimed in my general direction. 

A couple of other friends responded to the troll’s comment, suggesting he was aiming his frustration at the wrong person. I like to think they were right. After all, I had toured a loss-making but important show about the aftermath of October 7^th, had written many a post and article about the war, opened hundreds of workshops with the image of my daughter’s friend Romi Gonen who was then a hostage, and even Israel Story had featured my “small-sadness” tale of life in the North. I have not been at all disconnected from Jewish Israeli suffering since October 7^th 2023. I felt myself to be in the clear from the troll’s attack. I was indeed getting worked up about what I see as a political police force acting like hooligans, but this did not come instead of my concern for victims of October 7th. 

I put the exchange out of my mind, and later that day went to Hostage Square to attend an evening event for another victim from my locale who is chained up in Gaza. I videoed bits of the event and posted them on facebook. Afterwards we went out for a meal and a great whisky cocktail. While there I saw that the friend who had defended me against the troll had added a comment to my post from the hostage event: “You wasted a lot of time just to prove the troll wrong!” It made me laugh, and I commented as such.

By the time I reached my bed I was tired and happily buzzed. I suddenly received a direct message from the troll. He accused me and my friend of mocking him, ignoring the suffering of Israelis, and that he was now proceeding to block me. I was shocked, insulted, and a little drunk, so I made my first mistake. I replied immediately. And being shocked, insulted and a little drunk I replied with a few curse words. As I’ve always known and tried to hide, my British heritage owes less to nobility and more to soccer hooligans. The troll was outraged, and I’m not sure who blocked who sooner. 

Before I could catch my breath, I received a whatsapp from the same guy. Ha! He crowed, I have your whatsapp number!

By this time I’d had a little time to breathe. Instead of firing back something incendiary, I remembered that I teach people how to have healthy arguments. I wrote to him saying that he had insulted me with his post, and that I no doubt had insulted him. This was the unfortunate result of unchecked emotions and alcohol. However, if he wished to meet up to talk this through more carefully and respectfully, I would be happy to sit down with him over a coffee. He responded pretty quickly with a “no,” and I immediately blocked him on WhatsApp too.

Here are three things I think I need to learn.

1. Never reply to anything upsetting on social media without waiting a few hours. Just because it appears immediately doesn’t mean it must immediately be replied to. The whole advantage of social media is that the person is not standing in front of you, and you can say out loud all you wish to say before typing something else far more considered.
2. Social media is the place for demonstrations. I’ve written about this before. When we post an opinion, we are on a public demonstration of one. All of us post opinions like we hold banners at a demo, and we like or share the ones we would go to the streets and join (if we didn’t have something better to do at home). This perspective on social media posts works in two directions, and I’d only considered one of them. First, I cannot successfully argue with a social media poster, just as I cannot successfully debate someone in a demo holding a sign. There is too much social pressure for them to hold the line, too much already committed in demonstrating in the first place. Second, and most relevant to my reaction, people respond to posts like they respond to demos. They hoot horns in support, or boo or shout in rejection. When we are in a physical demonstration, we are with a crowd. We don’t take attacks personally. Indeed we often feel emboldened together. A social media post enjoys no such mass solidarity. The troll booed me, and I felt vulnerable and exposed.
3. Humor does not work in written words online. My friend had posted an innocuous joke, and the troll had taken it as a terrible slur. Humor is so terribly dependent on context, geography, the shared unsaid – none of which can be reliably conveyed online. 

You only teach what you most need to learn. I still have much to learn about healthy arguments online. Or perhaps the main thing I need to learn is that learning is not enough. After the learning must come the practice. Healthy arguments are something we need to practice and practice until it becomes the first option to draw on when you’re upset and slightly drunk… I still have work to do.

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